Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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