All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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