I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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