I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
