Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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