I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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