you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
