My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
