Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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