i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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