i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
