i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
