Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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