I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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