May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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