My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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