i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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