She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
