Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
