captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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