We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
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his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
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We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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