I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
