Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
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he laminated a picture of his dick.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.