i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...