The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.