Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
