yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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