Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
