I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
