I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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