WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
