hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
