that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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