Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
