Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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