Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
