Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just want to make out with him forever
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
