Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
