last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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