Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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