Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
