it was like eating out sand paper
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
