Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
