Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
