Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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