All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
