I hate all girls vehemently.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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