I think I died a long time ago.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
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He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
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I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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