Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
