I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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