You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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