No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
