Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She bit a glass in half.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
