How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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