see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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