I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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